Inclusion and wellbeing

Shame-free, supportive responses to children's challenging behavior

3 steps to handling challenging behavior in early childhood education
How do you respond to challenging behavior without shaming them?
November 23, 2022
Reading time:
a light bulb with the letter p inside it

a black and white image of two hearts

famly icon - piggy bank

a black and white image of two houses



a black and white image of a bunny and a bottle


a black and white heart icon

With Famly since

In a rush? Here's the quick run-down.

  • When working in early childhood education, you're sure to encounter a range of challenging behaviors from children.
  • Building positive behavior requires teachers to focus on self regulation skills, emotional control and positive guidance. This is a long-term project, not an immediate fix.
  • Read on to learn appropriate ways you can respond to children's behavior in the moment, as well as the skills to build in the long run to help children learn to steer their emotions.

For a moment, imagine a child in your classroom having a tantrum and knocking down a block tower built by a peer. This event has most likely caused heightened emotions amongst the children and staff at your early education program.

Will you approach the situation with a quick reaction, or thoughtful response? When challenging behaviors cause our patience to run thin, it’s easy to be quick to react. However, it’s much more advantageous for our children and ourselves if we lean in with a thoughtful, calm response.

Before getting into specific steps for finding your calm during those challenging events, I’ll begin by examining ways to create a classroom environment that is physically and emotionally safe, predictable, and consistent with clear expectations for everyone. 

Creating a safe and positive space is important from the moment a child steps foot into your early education setting. A positive classroom environment supports a calmer, more trusting, compassionate and empathetic atmosphere. 

A pouting child sits on a blanket

How your learning environment shapes a child's behavior

To offer supportive responses to children’s challenging behavior, we’ve got to set ourselves up for success in advance. In early childhood, helping children with challenging behavior isn’t just a matter of your in-the-moment response. It's also about how you set up and structure your learning environment.

To provide that in early education, we need to focus on:

  • Positive, engaged relationships: Building relationships with your children helps them feel a sense of safety and trust. We can do this by learning about each student individually and sharing parts of ourselves with them, as well. These may sound like simple steps, but they show a mutual respect and help us connect with our students.
  • A consistent classroom routine: Children thrive in an environment with routines. Classroom routines bring feelings of safety, security and a greater sense of calm for children. The predictability of routines helps set expectations and lead to better cooperation and regulation. Children can learn to follow routines from a very young age, and posting visuals around the classroom will support students in learning to follow classroom routines. 
  • Teaching social-emotional skills: Social-emotional skills are a vital part of teaching children at any age. It is extremely important to begin teaching our youngest learners about reading their own and other’s body cues, emotional vocabulary to better express themselves, and regulation strategies to support dealing with tough emotions. Teaching explicit social-emotional skills can happen throughout the day in your classroom. Whether it's a part of a curriculum, naturally occurring events taking place and using them as teachable moments, or even implementing daily morning meetings to check-in with how students are feeling. FeelLinks dolls are a unique, colorful, cuddly hands-on tool for children of any age to use for checking-in with their body cues and communicating how they are feeling.

The critical difference between reacting and responding

When you find yourself in a situation where you're dealing with challenging behavior, there's a difference between reacting and responding to the situation. This may seem like just a matter of wording, but in early childhood education, it makes all the difference for a supportive response.

  • Reacting is based in the moment, when we don’t consider the long-term effects of our response. It’s often a defense mechanism, where one’s tough actions are met with another tough action. Reacting doesn’t work well when a child is experiencing tough emotions, thoughts, or behaviors. In most cases, it will not lead to calm for the child or the adult. What we really want to do is respond instead of quickly reacting, which can be difficult, especially when our own emotions are heightened. 
  • Responding is when we think before acting, are deliberate with our actions, considerate of our own and other’s well-being, weigh any long-term effects, and do so in line with our core values. Calm is contagious - as we approach with calm, we are helping our child become more calm. We are modeling what we want them to learn.

Two children sit at a table and hug

Step by step: Responding in the moment to challenging behavior

Let’s get into those action steps on what to do in those tricky events when challenging behaviors arise, and everyone’s emotions are overwhelmed.

  1. Take a breath, and keep your calm: If you remain calm, it’s more likely that you will lend that calm to your student. Be a warm, responsive adult, show up to the child with respect and empathy. Take a breath and pause, think about your response and how it will affect the student. Even a three-second pause can make a big difference in responding calmly.
  2. Lean in, kneel down and listen: Get on the same physical level as the child. This helps children feel safer and more in control, and communicates to the child that you are ready to connect and listen. This is a time for you to listen to the child, paying attention to what they are communicating. While you are observing behavior on the outside, the child is feeling big emotions on the inside. Gaining an understanding of those emotions is critical.
  3. Validate children’s feelings: Actively listen to what the child is sharing with you, this lets them know that you respect and value them under all circumstances. Continue on with a warm tone of voice, using simple language to help process the events. Use non-verbal cues such as nodding, and refrain from disregarding or disagreeing with the feelings they are expressing; they are very real to them. Validating a child’s feelings lets them know that all feelings are okay and accepted, even the tough ones.
"Acknowledging isn't agreeing with or condoning our child's actions; it's validating the feeling behind them."

Janet Lansbury

The big ideas

Managing those big emotions

To help children build up their emotional regulation, we’ve got to begin with co-regulation and work towards self-regulation

Co-regulation is a supportive, soothing process between an adult and a child. This includes your affect, tone, and gestures in approaching a child with heightened emotions. Young children, especially, need this support as they are learning coping skills through your modeling and teaching. 

In daily classroom practice, co-regulation can take many forms. Here are some common examples:

Eventually, all of our teaching and modeling will support children in knowing how to self-regulate. Self-regulation is when one is able to self-soothe and manage their emotions by responding rather than reacting.  Learning to self-regulate emotions is an important life skill. Supporting children to develop these skills from a young age sets them up for current and future successes in life – in school, work, relationships, and overall physical, emotional, and mental health.

A woman supports a young girl through challenging behavior

Looking ahead: Success in bouncing back from challenging behaviors

In the bigger picture, our in-the-moment responses shape how children learn to steer their own emotions and respond to others. When we set social-emotional development as a learning goal, it’s important to give children these key ingredients:

  • Problem-solving skills: Once a child is feeling calm, their thinking brain is able to process language, and it’s time to reflect and problem-solve. Giving children the opportunity for problem-solving at a young age helps them grow, gain confidence, and sets them up for solving bigger challenges as they mature. Children’s play provides plenty of opportunities for problem-solving. You can teach problem-solving strategies through explicit social-emotional instruction so that children can use the skills when those tricky events arise.   
  • Emotional resilience: Is your student ready to move on and get back to their activity? Bouncing back from tough emotions can be difficult. Building emotional resilience in children comes along with your connection, teaching and modeling. Children can develop an understanding that tough emotions don’t last forever, they are able to overcome them, and then move on.

Let’s go back and revisit the scenario from the beginning - the child in your classroom having a tantrum and knocking down a block tower built by a peer. With everyone experiencing heightened emotions, you can appreciate and understand the value in responding with a calm demeanor. Take a breath and remember that you want to act in ways that are in line with your core values and support the social skills and behaviors you want to see from your children. 

download pdf
graphical user interface, text, application
Official Danish Government Reopening Advice

Guidance from the Danish Health Ministry, translated in full to English.

Picture of a Guidance document
UK Nursery Covid-19 Response Group Recommendations

The full recommendations from a working group of over 70 nursery chains in the UK.

Please note: here at Famly we love sharing creative activities for you to try with the children at your setting, but you know them best. Take the time to consider adaptions you might need to make so these activities are accessible and developmentally appropriate for the children you work with. Just as you ordinarily would, conduct risk assessments for your children and your setting before undertaking new activities, and ensure you and your staff are following your own health and safety guidelines.

Learn more about Famly

Find out below how Famly improved parent communication at N Family Club, and see what we can do for you in a personal demo.