1. You need an interesting array of replacement swear words
It would be a lot easier if you just had a personal bleep-track. Golly gosh.
2. No stone is left unturned…
Your bad hair day will not go unnoticed. 4-year-olds have not quite mastered subtlety…
3. Certain words and songs have begun to lose all meaning.
No. They will not get bored of saying it. Ever.
4. You wish you still got a lunchbox.
Seriously, some of these kids eat more ‘organic’ food every day than I have in my life.
5. Man, you are good at colouring in.
Don’t even go close to going over those lines. What’s up.
6. You’ve seen things. Unspeakable things.
The brown stuff genuinely doesn’t even bother you anymore.
7. You have become a nappy change ninja.
You can get a Pampers on and off quicker than it takes Usain Bolt to run to the end of his garden.
8. Your house is starting to resemble an episode of Art Attack.
You’re not taking all this stuff home on purpose. It just seems to…migrate.
9. Is that a nit? It feels like a nit.
Time to get the shampoo. Better to be safe than sorry.
10. Personal space is a non-existent concept in a nursery.
Your leg can and will be used as a climbing frame at every opportunity.
11. Laundry day has become quite the experience.
Your pockets have become miniature treasure chests for utterly useless items.
12. You may have forgotten how to show genuine enthusiasm.
The lines have gotten so blurry…
13. At any one time, your body is at least 30% acrylic paint.
I don’t even want to know how it got there.
14. You can get play-doh out of any surface.
Step back and let the real professional in.
15. There is an unmistakable pride in every potty training win.
You earned this success damn it.
16. You can recite around about a million children’s books off by heart.
And nobody can do the character’s voices like you.
17. An abnormal amount of your time is spent making costumes for World Book Day.
Don’t see no office workers getting to go to work dressed like Snow White.
18. You haven’t got this many Christmas presents since you were in nappies yourself…
At least enough wine to get you through the first week or two of January.
19. Your roster of jokes for parents is getting more repetitive than a ‘90s pop song.
But you can’t deny that they work…
20. You can get multiple kids to sleep in a phenomenally short time period.
You are a sorceress!
21. “I’m not going to tell you again” does not mean “I’m not going to tell you again.”
It means, “I’ll tell you again. Soon.”
22. Ofsted is the scariest word in the English language
This is not a drill people.
23. You find that your ability to make a game from everything has some important real life consequences.
Who is in charge of the drinking games? You, of course.
24. You find it much easier to play with the kids at every kind of party.
Starting to wonder if you even understand adults anymore…
25. You prepare a room for two hours for it to be destroyed in two minutes.
All that hard work…
26. Your loved ones resent the lack of freezer space in summer.
Yes, of course you need all of those drawers!
27. Throwing away cardboard is the ultimate sin.
It’s a daily struggle to stop yourself rugby tackling wasteful strangers.
28. Winter is just one, long, meandering rollercoaster of sickness.
All of the bugs.
29. The arts and crafts aisles are dangerous for your personal finances.
I swear I only came in for some milk…
30. And you know that you wouldn’t give it up for the world.
Although a little less bodily fluid would not go amiss….